


i see you.

by darkerholland



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Little bit of angst, M/M, can be read romantically or platonically, mental health, not too much at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:47:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27688487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkerholland/pseuds/darkerholland
Summary: Felix is having bad dreams and Chan is there to comfort him.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 10
Kudos: 89





	i see you.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic in inspired by one of my favourite songs: i see you by missio  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=506k3_V4z7o

It was the third time that week Felix woke up drenched in cold sweat, perspiration sticking uncomfortably to his body. He shot up with a start, blinking against the darkness and frantically looking around the room to recognise familiar features, hoping to be dragged out of his nightmare. _His desk. Changbin’s bed_. They were all there, right where they had been when Felix had gone to bed a few hours earlier.

Felix tapped his phone screen. It was only five in the morning, the dorm still seeped in an eerie silence. Five a.m. was one of the rare hours in the night where everyone was asleep. Everyone except for Felix. These days, he seemed to always be awake during the early hours of the morning, when the sky was slowly starting to change from a deep blue colour into something lighter. Sometimes Felix sat on the windowsill and watched the sky change. Usually, he kept the curtains closed, turned around in bed and willed sleep to come to him again. It never did.

After watching the clock strike six, Felix got up and started preparing breakfast. He focussed on the sharp utensils and strong flavours of the food rather than the haunting images, which not only manifested in his dreams, but also followed him into his conscious thoughts, nestling in the crook of his minds, appearing whenever they saw fit.

Felix had had frequent and reoccurring nightmares since he was a child, but they had never affected him like this. When he was still younger, he had been able to forget about them throughout the day. He couldn’t do that now. The images stayed with him, even when he so desperately tried to push them aside.

Slowly, his members started to wake up as well, filing into the kitchen and dining room with low spirits. It was almost comeback season, and their schedules were filled with dance practices, recordings, photoshoots and interviews. Though they enjoyed performing, the stress that came with new comebacks was often a bad influence on their moods. It required them to wake up early and go to bed late, with little breaks in between. Early mornings after only a few hours of sleep were the worst for all of them. Felix hoped they would feel a bit better after a well-prepared breakfast.

They ate in quietude, the only sound being that of chopsticks tapping against dishes and food being chewed. Felix wanted to leave the table as quickly as possible. Every little sound came in a hundred times louder, thanks to his over-sensitive and exhausted brain. He felt his patience thinning and his frustration growing, but he would _not_ take it out on his members. They didn’t deserve to suffer alongside Felix.

Felix cleared his throat. “I’m going to take a shower,” he announced.

Minho looked up, chopsticks still in his mouth. He gestured to the food. “You’ve barely eaten anything.”

Felix shrugged. “I had some food while I was cooking. I’m just not that hungry.”

“Still, you need to eat,” Minho said, his tone worried.

“I said I’m not hungry,” Felix said sharply. Minho looked stung, and he bit back whatever he was planning to say. The other members exchanged some questioning looks. Felix wasn’t known to lash out to others, especially not without reason. But no one said anything. It wasn’t that peculiar, after all. Everyone got moody sometimes, and certainly at this time of day, no one blamed him.

Instead of apologising, which Felix would’ve done in any normal situation, he put down his chopsticks and scraped back his chair, heading to the showers without a word to the others.

Two hours later, once everyone was fully awake and used to their fatigue, all seemed forgotten. Minho showed Felix a funny photo of a goose, and Felix laughed like he always did. It wasn’t a fake laugh either. He had consumed a large coffee, and the caffeine helped keep the haunting images at bay. There was no tension between the two, so Felix saw no reason to apologise. Minho had probably already forgotten about it.

It was during dance practice when the caffeine started wearing off, and his demons decided it was a good time to make him see them in the mirror, standing behind Minho and putting their bony hands on his neck, slowly squeezing the life out of him.

Felix twirled around and looked at Minho with wide eyes. The latter frowned back at him. His mouth moved, but Felix couldn’t make out any words. He could only hear a whirring sound in his ears, his world spinning. He faintly sensed the music turning off and someone putting a hand on his shoulder. The image of the demon’s hand around Minho’s neck flashed before his eyes, and he shrugged the hand off with a flinch. Felix turned around to see Jisung, his arm still outstretched, a look of worry stretched across his face.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Felix nodded weakly. “I’m not feeling too well,” he croaked out. “You guys go on without me. I’m just going to the bathroom for a bit.”

“Are you sure?” Jisung asked. “One of us can come with you.”

Felix shook his head. “I’m okay. Really. Go on.”

He left his stuff in the practice room and headed out. He was fully intending to go the bathroom and splash some water in his face to calm himself down, but the thought of seeing those _things_ in the mirror again made him walk away from the bathroom. Instead, he opened the door to the stairwell and ascended the stairs until there were none left, and the only way to go was through the door leading to the rooftop.

The weather was still pleasantly warm for early October. Felix walked to the railing and breathed in the fresh air, letting the sounds from the city below creep into his mind, drowning out the little voice in his head telling him he was going insane.

_You’re sick._

_You’re seeing things._

_This is not normal._

_You’re sick._

The door creaked open behind him and Felix was unsurprised to see Chan standing in the doorway, a hesitant look on his face.

“You’re not going to jump, right?” he asked.

Felix smiled weakly. A few years ago, they hadn’t been able to joke about that kind of thing. The possibility of it being a reality was too scary for them to even mention it out loud.

“I’m not going to jump. I just needed some air.”

“I reckoned,” Chan said. He sighed and let the door fall closed behind him, joining Felix at the railing.

They spent the next few moments in tranquillity. They were waiting for the other person to speak. Felix was waiting for Chan to ask, and Chan was waiting for Felix to tell him without any prompting.

Felix lost in the end.

“I’m struggling, Chan. I’m struggling and I feel so alone. I feel like no one notices.” And it was his own fault.

Felix could’ve told Chan about his nightmares weeks ago, when they had started to get worse than before. But he hadn’t, and the more time had passed, the less he had wanted to tell him.

He would’ve told Chan if it had happened years ago, when the terms Felix and bad mental health still belonged together. They hadn’t for a long time, which is why Felix hadn’t told Chan.

When therapy had started working, and Felix had started smiling more and crying less, he hadn’t been the only one to feel the effects of it. In a rush of happiness and relief, Chan had taken Felix’ hands and prayed for him to never fall back into that dark pit. The invocation, which had been born out of good intentions only, had settled uncomfortably in the depths of Felix’ heart, and irrationally prevented him from speaking up about the serious struggles, the ones that were supposed to be gone already. He didn’t want to be the cause of Chan’s sleepless nights, filled with worry and troublesome thoughts. He had felt enough guilt for that.

“I know,” Chan replied simply, as if they were discussing the weather.

“You do?” Felix questioned, a small waver in his voice.

“Felix,” he said, turning to Felix so he could look him in the eye. _“I see you.”_

Felix frowned, his breath hitching in his chest. “What do you mean?”

“I see you, Felix. _Always_. I see you when you’re happy, when you’re sad, when you’re upset, when you’re tired. I see it all. I see the way you’re always up before the rest of us, and I see how you drink more coffee than usual and how your mood improves afterwards. I see how you break eye contact when you’re about to lie to someone and I see the difference between your genuine laugh and the one you give when you think you have to – it’s all in the twinkle of your eyes.

“I see how much you hate wearing that brown scarf but you still wear it because it was a gift from Seungmin and you don’t want to hurt his feelings by not wearing it. I see how you let Jeongin win in Mario Kart and how upset you feel when Jisung doesn’t do the same for you. I see how you build up those walls we fought so hard to break down whenever I ask you how you’re doing and I see how you tell me you only go to therapy twice a month but I know you still go every week. I see how you think you’ve deceived me into thinking I don’t know how badly you’re doing currently, and most importantly right now, I see you when you chase those dreams inside your head.”

Felix violently wiped away the tears from his cheeks, which did nothing to hide his snotty nose or trembling lips.

He had always known Chan to be more perceptive than he led others to believe, but he hadn’t exactly counted on this. Chan was right. Felix did think he had beguiled Chan with his usual smiles and casual replies to prodding questions. But Felix had been the fool the entire time.

“So please Felix, tell me what’s keeping you up at night. We’ve gone through it together once. We can do it again. Right now, the only thing stopping you from getting better is yourself. Talk to me,” Chan pleaded.

Felix sniffled. “Promise to always see me?”

Chan smiled. “I will never stop seeing you.”


End file.
